The Baby Store

Please excuse my vulnerability in telling this story. It has been written here on my screen for about 3 hours. I typed it, and then went to play with the kids before I posted it. While I played, my heart was torn - whether to post it or not. Some of the information has been so secure in my heart. I'm not even sure why I typed it - except that I wanted you to know what a divine miracle Maggie is, too. Then, I checked my email, and had an email from my Mom - making the comment about how I was going journal a story about Maggie, and hadn't done that yet. Okay, God... I'll post it!!

In September 2007, we went to a Veterinarian Conference and Maggie went with us . She was 3 years old and a few months, and the boys were just shy of their first birthday. We were driving along on the highway, going through Houston. She was noticing all of the important landmarks: Lowes and Home Depot... to which she said... "That's where Daddy gets his tools and stuff!" Then, we passed some tall buildings that looked like hospital buildings to her. She said in even more excitement. "Look! The hospital!! That's where we got the brothers!!" (If only it had been that simple, right?)

I cannot remember a time growing up that I didn't envision myself as a mother. I had numerous baby dolls that I "mothered," and I couldn't wait to be a mom. I grew up with the pangs of maternal longing, not knowing that my body may lack the power to reproduce. At the age of 17, I learned that I have a disorder that occurs in one out of every seventy hundred thousand females. About 50% of treated patients achieve pregnancies. One of my biggest fears that was ingrained into the back of my mind was telling my future husband about it. Not an easy task for me, but thankfully, being the man of God that he is, he embraced me even more. We got married not knowing if we would ever be able to have children.

Nothing can describe the magnitude of heartache and despair that each day of infertility treatments bring. I took a huge leap of faith and surrendered my reproductive ability to medicine and one of the most tenderhearted doctors in the field. With God's hand in the situation the entire first year of trying, this doctor provided knowledge and patience with my circumstances. Daily (sometimes twice daily) shots, road trips to and from the hospital, numerous ultrasounds, trial and error, and medication brought nothing but frustration. With God leading us to California for Corbett's profession, the challenge of infertility moved halfway across the country along with us. The countless letdowns were the most difficult to swallow with negative after negative result.

I will never forget the sheer joy in my heart the moment the nurse called me to tell me the results of my pregnancy test were positive. I still remember our exact location when we heard the news. We were driving down "The 101" in Central California, on pins and needles waiting for the phone call. Corbett was driving as the phone rang. I sat, listening to the nurse on the other end. His anxiousness for what was being said caused him to pull over into a parking lot. My eyes and face told him the answer: "A strong positive." God had finally provided those words I had longed to hear. We sat hugging and tearfully praising God in a parking lot just outside of the "Garlic Capitol of the World" in Gilroy, California. To which we have Maggie!

I love Maggie's three year old mind - thinking of a hospital much like that of a tool store... the innocence and child-like faith in that thought. So, today, I leave you with that thought...How God can make something that is so impossible and miraculous seem so simple.

***UPDATE***
Also, please continue your prayers on behalf of my dear friend that is expecting. She will possibly be receiving some very hard and difficult information on Monday - please pray that she and her husband will be able to hear and absorb what they say while maintaining ALL faith in God! My eyes are "swimming" right now for her, and I do covet your prayers on their behalf. I can feel those fears and anxieties all over again! I know what a confusing fog and dream she feels like she is in. Please...pray, pray, pray! For I do know that "where two or more are gathered"... He will hear our cries! Last night, as we put Maggie to bed - we were walking out, and she said: "Daddy, I'm going to dream about *their name's* baby tonight. I can't wait to see him!" You see, she has no idea of the concerns that may lie ahead with this tiny miracle. That comment melted my heart because once again - she is reminding me how important that child-like faith is!

Tractors and Firetrucks

I truly hate how medical insurance companies have the power to dictate so much of our lives.

With God, and some help from His angels - one in Devers, TX and the other in Alvin, TX - we were saved from an insurance nightmare about a year and a half ago. Through much of this nightmare, we realized that no independent insurance company would accept me... (long story - possibly for another day).

Most importantly, no one would accept Whit - due to low birth weight, and for not even being on the charts with his weight at the time of application. Another angel was sent to us during these days... this one from Beaumont, TX. After months and months of agony, phone calls, and prayer - we made an executive family decision for me to go back to work part-time (thankfully I could do that and still get insurance!). Exhibit number one of how medical insurance companies have the power to dictate our life.

I guess one could say that I had become complacent with the fact that my ill thoughts of medical insurance companies had been erased. Until today!

We showed up for Speech, and were informed that our insurance does not cover Whit's "diagnosis code." After a phone call and some research on the insurance webpage... I find out that, in fact, they were right! There are millions of exclusions and fine print that fall under their "SPEECH THERAPY" headline on their benefits page. Corbett and I have prayerfully thought out what we might can do in this situation, and due to the cost of private therapy twice/week... continuing Speech really isn't feasible right now. We have discussed and come up with a few backup plans that we hope to pursue. However, our frustration and disappointment with the situation is heavy on our hearts and shoulders.

Two of Whit's favorite toys are tractors and firetrucks. Now, imagine a cute, little boy... all of 20 lbs... saying those words... "dador! dirdu!" Each time you are in your travels, reading books, or going on with your daily routine... and you see a tractor or a firetruck... please pray for Whit (and us). That he will continue to grow in knowledge and in strength - that this setback will not harm him, but make him stronger.

I am going to leave you with a picture. It is a picture of Maggie holding Whit the night he came home from the NICU 2 years ago this week. Her expression details all of our hearts for him being here and who he is!

Lastly, I want to ask you to pray for someone very dear to me who is expecting her first child. Amidst all of our prayers for God to bless her with a healthy baby, some complications have arisen. I covet your thoughts on her behalf, because I know that she is asking the Lord the same things I did almost 3 years ago.

Differences

It always discourages me to be out in public and get the stares and questions from complete strangers... "How old are your boys?" - they ask.

"They're two."

"How old is the little one?"

I want to scream... didn't you hear me... "THEY are two!"

However, I fear it would be out of character for me to scream at them - so I just answer, "He's two... they are twins."

The comments and looks I get after that vary, but have one common thread... complete shock!

I could go into this long exaggerated story about their birth and Whit's struggles. But, I usually leave that up to their imagination - because with three children at my feet - there usually isn't time to do the earlier choice.

Every Monday and Wednesday we take a trip to a place for Whit to receive Speech Therapy. This is a place that offers physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy for children. For each therapy for Whit - Maggie and Chap must tag along.... complete patience and understanding as they sit in the waiting room with me.

Sometimes, while in the waiting room, 1 or 2 other children come in. These children are there to receive therapy. As we sat there the other day, Maggie was sitting in a chair... a young boy, about the age of 3 came and shoved her out of her chair. Maggie's eyes met mine, but she didn't say a word as she repositioned herself in the chair. After this little boy left, another little boy came in and picked up a crayon and marked on the paper she was working on. When she played soccer, I used to get frustrated that she didn't attack the ball. But, here, in this waiting room - I was so proud of her... for her gentleness, her innocence in something that was unexplainable, and her compassion in these little boys that she could see something was different.

What a lesson for me. As people in public see the boys together, they visually see something different. They are just responding to the differences they see. On that same day, as we walked out of the therapy clinic, two people, at different times made the same exact comment: "What a beautiful family." I only hope that I can respond to others' comments, questions, and suggestions the same way that my four year old responded to the invasion of her space by two complete strangers. I pray that our family, as a whole, can be a testimony to people in accepting others' differences.

Sing Along...

On a lighter note... Let me set the stage for you... About a week ago, the kids had just gotten out of the bath. Maggie was determined to have a concert - complete with the outfit you will see. We failed to get the boys dressed for the occasion, so you'll have to excuse their fresh-out-of-the-bath diaper look. Others in the concert include - Daddy and some favorite baby dolls and stuffed animals. Nonetheless... you will experience quite the concert! I hope you enjoy! (Don't forget to turn up your volume).

Closed Doors

Anytime we leave a room in our house, or Chap sees a door open - he is the first to try and close it. "I close de door, Mommy" are his words. So eager to help.

I remember a time when we first found out about Whit's prognosis while we were pregnant - Corbett and I closed the door to the boys' nursery - just so we wouldn't see his baby bed set up. Maggie had drawn a picture (in her little 2 1/2 year old scribbles), but we had labeled her picture as "My Family" - and she pointed to who was who in the picture. The picture had "Mommy," "Daddy," "Maggie," "Chap," and "Whit." (even though they were still in Mommy's tummy). We turned that picture over so that we wouldn't see that Whit was part of our family. But then, as time progressed, we turned the picture back over - opened the doors to the room, and opened our hearts again - ready to accept God's gift. I'm so glad we opened the doors, because so much as come in with the doors open.

If the doors to our hearts remain closed - like those in our house when Chap is around, we don't get to see as much or experience as much. Probably 5 days out of the week - Maggie mentions the Hurricane that happened nearly 5 months ago. I sometimes wish she would close that door, and put that night behind her. The impression that night has on her is so strong, she can't close the doors. I think God wants to have such an impression on us, that we don't close the doors to our heart... so that we may see Him and experience His direction.

I can't wait for Maggie to see my grandparents' house re-construction on their Hurricane Ike-hit home! She will be thrilled to see the doors open and it completely restored.

Our Story

Welcome to our blog. I have been meaning to start this for a while, but finally decided I have procrastinated long enough. Many of you followed our story and kept up with us through the Texas Children's Hospital Carepages.

Here is our family... Corbett, Me (Jana), Maggie (4), Chap (2), and Whit (2).

At the risk of being redundent for those that have heard our story, I'm going to introduce this blog to you and leave you with this...

Through experiences in my life, I have learned and come to the realization that God's creation of life is not simple! The complexity of how things must grow and form - in order to create a life puts me in a dumbfounded expression with my mouth wide open - with no words to explain the awe. For most people... the words... "I'm pregnant" are just fleeting words as the work begins to prepare for a baby. Then, there are those of us who struggle to get pregnant... have complications during pregnancy... and then face difficulties after birth. Let me reassure you, God's grace is far stronger and outweighs the heaviness of our hearts during trying times!

Our first pregnancy was no cake-walk. We heard words such as spontaneous abortion, miscarriage, bad implantation, too little amniotic fluid, etc. But, even with those speculations... we had a healthy baby girl (even after flying and moving from California back to Texas during my 8th month!).

With our third pregnancy (we miscarried during our second)... we faced many days of anxiousness, fear, helplessness, and waiting. At 24-weeks, we were told that one of our twins had 99% chance of dying. Not good odds, considering that leaves 1 % chance of survival. The odds got worse, as the quality of life within that 1 % was not good. Delivery day came - 10 weeks later.

When I think of all preemies, I always have that "Anne Geddes" picture in my mind of the sweet angel lying in the hand of the parent. Our tiny one was too small to hold and stimulate - not even 2 lbs - imagine how comfortably he lay in God’s mighty, yet gentle hand. Chap - a plump 4 lbs, as he lay peacefully in his incubator – savoring our tender touch while wrapped in God’s protection. Such miracles from God! I can't wait to see how God plans to use each one of my children for the glory of His kingdom.

As you enter into our lives on this blog - you will learn more as we go. But, for now - this is the shortened version of how God performed His Divine Miracle...

But, if you need encouragement or just want to hear about specifics about a pregnancy full of doubt and fear, or NICU days full of monitors, beeps, and life-threatening situations - just ask me and I'd be glad to expand. It was a time when we put all of the faith that we could muster up into God and trusted in His will - and now we hope to use our experiences for His glory!! I've also got stories of raising 3 children under the age of 3, and the many child-like faith comments and questions and actions that come from innocence of children. Welcome to our story called life. We hope you enjoy it and receive blessings from our blessed and divine miracles!